"money kills"

"thru the cracks"

Almost finished painting- acrylic on canvass.

The state and corporate power looks hard to watch every single one of us, 

It looks so hard that it misses out the hidden places, the places it can't see.

Inside the disused factories, the estates, the squats, the free places in the world and within ourselves.

There we find the cracks in the machine of war and profit and sink our roots until we're strong enough to grow and make even bigger, deeper cracks.

Root after root, tree after tree, movement after movement, idea built on idea until the whole artificial structure shakes.

And the machine with it's cogs and wheels can't even see us, because a machine can't possibly understand things that move so organically to really be able to see.

"£5.60"

I can feel the weight of a normative society crunching down on my spinal cord.

It’s aching, an on-going dull throbbing pain in the back of my head,

the kind of pain that wears you down, makes you cry yourself to sleep.

I’m working hard, doing all the right stuff and still things aren’t getting any better. It’s making me so tired!

The groundwork is in place, I think, but hell what do I know? I have no idea what I’m doing.

See, my line of work doesn’t have a ready planned road map neatly set out for me to follow, much like the rest of my so called “rock n roll” life style.

Though I have to point out that my fluffy slippers and good supply of tea n biscuits kind of sums up most of that rock n roll.

This job can make you feel like a fucken rock star if work is hot, like a bad ass, don’t fuck with me type of faggot, that is messing with society from it’s darkest roots up to it’s swankiest hotel rooms.

But when work is slow and the punters are shite, well. That’s a whole n’other story, especialy if you’re just starting out like me it seems.

Because obviously doing a 4 hour shift and only earning £5.60 means that the end of the world is nigh and that I should just give up and join the straight laced 9 to 5 working world right?!

Hell I’ve been tempted to give up on carving my own way through the world a few times.

When it gets to 1 am and you’re having a bad night it’d be so easy to give up on being yourself, wondering if you are in fact even, being yourself.

But somehow we connect, we regrow our roots in the big queer family tree. We rant ,we rave, we riot, we create.

And we keep doing it over and over again, our spirits lit like a sparkler that never burns out or fades.

We build ourselves, we add layers, build communities, create new families that make us strong.

These are the things that keep me going, stop me from buying a one way ticket into a white collar word, the so called “easy lane”.

These are the people that keep me firmly rooted in the beautiful underground.

Keep me being the person I love being , doing  the things I love doing, fucking people I love to fuck all in all create a world I love to live in!.

So yeh so what if I only earned £5.60 tonight, there’ll be  nights  when I earn a lot more, nights when I earn less.

There’s days I can write out entire stories, when I can perform and wow and crowd of perverts. But there’s days too when I’m so tired I can barely think and I cry to myself from the stress.

“Just swings and roundabouts ain’t it” were  FemmeDaddy ‘s wise words about this to me,

And that’s who I am, who we are. We hold onto eachother  when we feel like giving up and we keep holding eachother  when we’re strong and feel like we could take over the world.

So here we go, this is me re-enforcing my belief that this life needs to be lived as if I could die tomorrow and that I should learn as if I’ll live forever. Reminding myself that this is how I am.

With the innocence and raw energy it takes to truly say “fuck  you” to conformity. To stand up and NOT be counted as one of the masses but to scream ,yell and cause as much havoc as possible to stop people being counted.

Yeh this is how it’s done, this is how life deserves to be lived. Every action I take is the embodiment of resistance, of creation, of not conforming to what they would have me be. I’m saying no to the straight laced acceptable world they would have me believe is the best way to live my life.

I’m doing it another way and I’m not afraid to keep doing it another way. I don’t want to settle down, I don’t want to give up.

This isn’t just a spark of youth in revolt,  this is me and always will be.  because hell I’d rather go through life having no clue what the fuck I’m doing ,

being held up by and holding up a bunch of misfits and renegades in each arm because yes I maintain that this really is the way to live,

to not have my mind numbed by the next passing fad, to not “get a real job” and get a mortgage and marry and do what’s expected because the expectations only serve to make us feel guilty for our adventures.

Adventures that shape us and drive us to be the beautiful humans and creatures we are. Fuck you straight laced 9 to 5 world, YOU CAN’T HAVE ME!

So fine, I earned £5.60 tonight and I’ve never been so proud of a days work.